5 Tips to Manage Toddler Tantrums

Toddler tantrums can be one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. They often seem to come out of nowhere, leaving parents feeling frustrated, embarrassed, or helpless. However, tantrums are a normal and age-appropriate part of child development. During the toddler years, children are rapidly developing their emotional and cognitive skills, but they often lack the words or self-regulation abilities to express themselves effectively. This can lead to outbursts when they feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or misunderstood.

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research into emotion coaching, tantrums are an opportunity to connect with your child and teach them valuable emotional regulation skills.

Here are five evidence-based tips to manage toddler tantrums effectively:

1. See Tantrums as Opportunities for Connection

Gottman’s research emphasises that all emotions—even challenging ones—are valid. When your toddler has a tantrum, it’s an opportunity to connect and guide them. Instead of reacting with frustration or anger, try to view the tantrum as a way to better understand your child’s needs and emotions.

How to do this:

• Take a deep breath to calm yourself before responding.

• Get down to your child’s eye level to show you are fully present.

• Use a gentle tone to say something like, “I see you’re really upset right now. Let’s figure this out together.”

2. Validate Their Emotions

Validating emotions is a cornerstone of Gottman’s emotion coaching. Toddlers need to feel heard and understood. When you acknowledge their feelings, it helps them feel safe and less overwhelmed.

How to do this:

• Use phrases like, “I understand you’re angry because we had to leave the park” or “It’s okay to feel sad when something doesn’t go your way.”

• Avoid dismissing or minimising their emotions with statements like, “You’re fine” or “It’s not a big deal.”

• Avoid disapproving or criticising emotions like “only babies cry, are you a baby?”

3. Label Their Emotions

Helping your child put words to their feelings is a powerful tool for emotional regulation. According to Gottman, children who can identify their emotions are better equipped to manage them. Labelling emotions builds emotional intelligence and self-awareness, helping to reduce anxiety and depression in later life.

How to do this:

• Say things like, “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated because you can’t have the toy right now.”

• Over time, encourage your toddler to use these labels themselves by asking, “Are you feeling sad or angry?”

4. Set Clear Limits on Behaviour

While all emotions are acceptable, not all behaviours are. Gottman’s approach highlights the importance of teaching children to express their feelings in ways that don’t harm themselves, others, or property.

How to do this:

• Be consistent in your limits. For example, “It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit.”

• Offer alternatives for expressing emotions, like stomping feet or squeezing a pillow when they’re angry.

• Follow through with consequences calmly and lovingly if boundaries are crossed.

5. Problem-Solve Together

Once your toddler has calmed down, use the opportunity to teach problem-solving skills. Gottman’s research shows that involving children in finding solutions helps build resilience and emotional intelligence.

How to do this:

• Ask open-ended questions like, “What can we do next time when you feel upset?”

• Offer simple choices to help them feel empowered, such as, “Would you like to draw or play with blocks until you feel better?”

• Celebrate their effort to manage emotions with praise like, “You did a great job calming down and talking about your feelings.”

By adopting these emotion-coaching techniques, you can turn tantrums into teachable moments. Remember, it’s not about stopping tantrums entirely (they’re a normal part of development), but about equipping your toddler with the tools to navigate their emotions in a healthy way. With patience, empathy, and consistency, you’re not just managing tantrums—you’re nurturing emotional resilience that will benefit your child for a lifetime. Research shows that children who have a supportive home environment free from punishment have better long-term performance at school and better prospects in life. A growing body of recent scientific evidence highlights that emotional development early in life is critical for the development of the brain and has enormous consequences throughout a lifetime.

If you're looking for more strategies to manage challenging toddler tantrums, be sure to check out my Toddler Tantrums Course, designed to equip you with the tools you need to handle these difficult moments with confidence. You can also grab a copy of my Guide to Managing Toddler Emotions on Amazon, and don't forget to download my Breathing Techniques Guide to help your little one stay calm when things get tough.

Love

Charlie x