Managing Sibling Conflict
Managing Sibling Rivalry: Turning Conflict into Connection
Sibling rivalry is a normal part of childhood. Whether it's fighting over toys, competing for attention, or blaming each other when things go wrong, sibling conflict is one of the most common challenges parents face. But while conflict is inevitable, it doesn’t have to be harmful. In fact, with the right support, it can be an opportunity for children to learn empathy, communication, and problem-solving skills that will benefit them for life. In this blog, we’ll explore the science behind sibling rivalry, what healthy sibling relationships look like, and how you can guide your children through conflict in a way that promotes emotional intelligence, secure attachment, and long-term harmony.
Why Do Siblings Fight?
Sibling rivalry remains a natural part of growing up, but more recent research offers a deeper understanding. A 2024 study found that sibling aggression in childhood may influence adult decision-making and emotional regulation, suggesting long-term cognitive impacts. Moreover, the two way nature of sibling influence is crucial. Research found that not only do older siblings shape their younger siblings' responses in conflict — younger siblings also influence older ones, highlighting the importance of family dynamics, age gaps, and gender in sibling interactions.
Sibling rivalry often stems from a few key areas:
Competition for Parental Attention
Children naturally seek connection and affirmation from their caregivers. When one sibling perceives that the other is getting more attention, it can trigger jealousy and conflict.Developmental Differences
Younger children may lack the communication skills to express frustration, while older siblings may feel burdened by expectations or annoyed by younger siblings’ behaviour.Individual Temperaments
Differences in personality, energy levels, and emotional sensitivity can create friction.Modelling of Conflict
Children learn how to handle conflict by observing the adults around them. If yelling or blaming is common, they may mirror that behaviour with each other.
The Long-Term Impact of Sibling Relationships
Research shows that the quality of sibling relationships in childhood is linked to long-term emotional and social outcomes. A 2007 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that warm and supportive sibling bonds were associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety in adolescence. Meanwhile, persistent rivalry and unresolved conflict can increase stress and behavioural issues. Sibling relationships serve as a “training ground” for lifelong social skills. In a 2023 randomised controlled trial, parenting interventions that focused on social skill development and emotional coaching significantly reduced sibling rivalry and improved relationship quality. An online program “More Fun with Sisters and Brothers” showed improved emotional literacy and conflict resolution, with parents reporting increased sibling warmth and reduced rivalry. Parents and caregivers can make a huge difference in these situations. Parents can act as an emotional coach and guide children through conflict in a healthy way.
Strategies for Managing Sibling Conflict
1. Create a Family Culture of Respect
Set clear, consistent expectations around kindness, sharing, and using respectful words.
Model respectful conflict resolution in your own relationships.
2. Avoid Comparisons
Avoid phrases like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” which can fuel resentment.
Celebrate each child’s unique strengths and validate their emotions and efforts.
3. Teach Emotional Literacy
Help children name their feelings: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because your brother took your toy without asking.”
Use emotion coaching techniques (Gottman, 1997) to validate and guide (for more information on emotion coaching see my other blogs.)
4. Use the ‘Peace Process’
When tensions rise, guide them through a simple problem-solving process:
Pause – Take a breath and calm down.
Express – Each child says how they feel and what they want, using “I” statements.
Listen – Practice active listening (no interrupting).
Problem-Solve – Come up with solutions together.
Agree – Choose a solution and check back in later to see if it worked.
5. Build Connection Outside of Conflict
Spend one-on-one time with each child regularly to strengthen the parent-child bond.
Encourage sibling bonding with shared activities and rituals like family games, story time, or cooperative play.
6. Use Conflict as a Teaching Tool
Don’t aim to eliminate all sibling conflict — aim to support healthy repair. Conflict is a normal and necessary part of relationships. What matters is how it’s resolved.
Nurturing a Healthy Sibling Bond with Emotional Expression
How children express emotion in sibling conflict is key. A 2021 study found that the way children and adolescents express themselves — and respond to their siblings' emotions — directly impacts how conflicts play out and resolve. Teaching children how to name, express, and manage big feelings lays the groundwork for healthy resolution. In the long run, children benefit from learning how to navigate tough moments with someone they love. Supportive sibling relationships can be a powerful protective factor in childhood — helping children feel secure, confident, and connected. You don’t need to aim for perfection. What matters is showing up with empathy, guiding them with tools, and trusting that these small moments of repair and problem-solving are building the emotional scaffolding they’ll carry for life.
It's also important for parents to be aware of their own emotional reactions when managing sibling conflict. These situations can sometimes trigger unresolved feelings from our own childhoods or lead to stress responses. Research shows that parental emotional regulation plays a critical role in modeling healthy conflict resolution. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or triggered, try pausing to take a few deep breaths, labeling your feelings, and using grounding strategies before intervening. Seeking support—whether through reflective journaling, peer discussion, or talking to a professional—can also be beneficial. By managing your own emotions, you create a calmer environment that helps children learn to regulate their own responses more effectively.
Final Thoughts
Sibling conflict isn’t a sign that something’s gone wrong — it’s a normal part of growing up in a family. With the right strategies and a bit of patience, those noisy squabbles can become powerful learning moments, helping your children grow into emotionally intelligent and compassionate adults.
References
Bank, S. P., & Kahn, M. D. (1997). The sibling bond (2nd ed.). Basic Books.
Davis, E. L., Rudolph, K. D., & Achtyes, E. D. (2021). Emotional expression in adolescent conflict with siblings and mothers: Differences in patterns and links with adjustment. Journal of Early Adolescence, 41(8), 1182–1209. https://doi.org/10.1177/02724316211020360
Dunn, J., & Kendrick, C. (1982). Siblings: Love, envy and understanding. Harvard University Press.
Dunn, J., & Munn, P. (1986). Sibling quarrels and maternal intervention: Individual differences in understanding and aggression. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 27(5), 583–595. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.1986.tb00188.x
Fang, X., Yang, J., & Gao, Y. (2024). The influence of sibling aggression on adult decision-making: Evidence from behavioral and cognitive outcomes. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04475-7
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Kramer, L. (2024). More Fun With Sisters and Brothers: An online sibling relationship training program. Northeastern University News. Retrieved from https://news.northeastern.edu/2024/12/18/sibling-conflict-research/
McHale, S. M., Updegraff, K. A., & Whiteman, S. D. (2012). Sibling relationships and influences in childhood and adolescence. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(5), 913–930. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.01011.x
Padilla-Walker, L. M., Coyne, S. M., & Day, R. D. (2022). Reciprocal influences between sibling behaviors in early adolescence: Longitudinal links and the moderating roles of age and gender. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(5), 654–666. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35971901/
Stocker, C. M., Burwell, R. A., & Briggs, M. L. (2002). Sibling conflict in middle childhood predicts children’s adjustment in early adolescence. Journal of Family Psychology, 16(1), 50–57. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.16.1.50
Tan, H. X., Miller, A. L., & Chen, Y. (2023). Parenting interventions and sibling relationships: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 32(4), 1221–1234. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-023-02539-7
Teti, D. M. (Ed.). (2016). Parenting and family processes in child maltreatment and intervention. Springer.