Parenting for Life Skills: Teaching Emotional Regulation
Teaching Emotional Regulation & Resilience: A Parenting Guide
One of the most valuable life skills we can teach our children is how to regulate their emotions and build resilience. Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to emotional experiences in a healthy way, while resilience is the capacity to recover from difficulties and adapt to challenges. Research shows that these skills are crucial for mental well-being, social success, and academic achievement. Here’s how parents can support their child’s development in these areas.
Why Emotional Regulation & Resilience Matter
From toddler tantrums to teenage frustrations, emotional ups and downs are a normal part of childhood. However, children who struggle to regulate their emotions may face challenges in relationships, learning, and self-esteem. Studies suggest that emotional regulation in early childhood predicts better mental health outcomes in adulthood (Gross, 2015). Similarly, resilience helps children navigate setbacks, reducing their risk of anxiety and depression. By fostering these skills early, parents can equip their children with the tools they need to thrive.
Strategies to Teach Emotional Regulation
1. Model Healthy Emotional Responses
Children learn emotional regulation by observing the adults around them. When parents express their emotions in a calm and controlled manner, children are more likely to mirror this behaviour. Using phrases like, “I feel frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath,” helps children understand how to handle big emotions constructively. Sometimes this is easier said than done if you are incredibly triggered. In these scenarios it is okay to say “I just need 5 minutes to calm down and take yourself away”. There will also be times where we don’t role model healthy responses and we might shout, these scenarios need repairing (more on that further down!)
2. Name and Validate Emotions
Teaching children to identify their emotions is a key step in emotional regulation. Instead of dismissing feelings, acknowledge them: “I can see that you’re feeling angry because your toy was taken. That must be frustrating.” Research shows that when children feel understood, they are better able to process and regulate emotions.
3. Encourage Deep Breathing and Mindfulness
Simple mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or guided relaxation, can help children calm their nervous system. A study by Burke (2010) found that mindfulness interventions in children lead to improved emotional regulation and reduced stress levels. My free download Breathing Techniques for Toddlers is your practical guide for encouraging Deep Breathing and Mindfulness activities. Download here.
4. Use Emotion Coaching
Emotion coaching involves guiding children through their feelings rather than punishing or suppressing them. Dr. John Gottman’s research suggests that children whose parents practice emotion coaching exhibit better social skills, academic performance, and emotional intelligence. This process involves acknowledging the emotion, setting limits if needed, and helping the child problem-solve. Our “Understanding Toddler Emotions” Course has been designed to support you in coping with and managing toddler outbursts using emotion coaching techniques. Join the waitlist here.
5. Create a Calm-Down Space
Having a designated space where children can go to self-regulate can be beneficial. This might include a cozy corner with calming activities like sensory toys, books, or soft toys. Research highlights that sensory-based calming techniques can help children self-soothe and regulate emotions effectively.
Building Resilience in Children
1. Promote a Growth Mindset
Teaching children that challenges help them grow encourages resilience. Praise their efforts rather than just their achievements: “I love how you kept trying even when it was hard.” Research on growth mindset shows that children who believe they can improve through effort are more resilient when facing obstacles.
2. Encourage Problem-Solving Skills
Instead of immediately fixing problems for your child, guide them in finding their own solutions. Asking, “What do you think we can do about this?” fosters critical thinking and resilience. For smaller children (under 5) you can offer a choice. Asking, “What do you think will make this better, a hug or a story?”
3. Allow Age-Appropriate Struggles
It can be tempting to shield children from difficulties, but overcoming small challenges builds confidence. Letting them try, fail, and try again teaches perseverance and resilience. This is incredibly important when thinking about school readiness and children thriving in the school environment. Confidence is they key.
4. Foster Strong Relationships
A secure attachment with caregivers provides a safe base for children to explore and take risks. Studies show that strong relationships with supportive adults boost resilience in children, even in the face of adversity. Parents can build a secure attachment by responding to their child's needs with warmth and consistency, fostering trust and emotional safety. Engaging in regular, attentive interactions—such as comforting, playing, and active listening—strengthens this bond and supports long-term resilience.
5. Encourage Positive Self-Talk
Help children develop an inner dialogue that supports resilience. Instead of “I can’t do this,” encourage phrases like “I can try my best.” Cognitive-behavioral research indicates that positive self-talk helps children cope with stress and build confidence.
Repairing Relationships
Repairing relationships after moments of shouting or parental dysregulation is essential for maintaining a secure attachment and teaching children emotional resilience. No parent is perfect, and occasional frustration is natural, but what matters most is how caregivers respond afterward. Acknowledging the outburst, offering a sincere apology, and reassuring the child of their safety and love help rebuild trust. For example, saying, "I'm really sorry I shouted earlier. I was feeling frustrated, but that wasn’t your fault. I love you, and I’m here to help you. Let’s take a deep breath together," can help children feel safe and understood. This process not only models healthy conflict resolution, taking responsibility for ones own emotions and problem solving but also teaches children that no one is perfect, everyone is flawed, mistakes can be repaired, fostering emotional security and strong relational skills for life.
Final Thoughts
Emotional regulation and resilience are not traits children are born with—they are skills that must be nurtured and practiced. By modelling, coaching, and creating supportive environments, parents can empower their children to handle emotions effectively and bounce back from challenges. These foundational skills will benefit them throughout their lives, fostering emotional intelligence, adaptability, and mental well-being.
Would you like to learn more about how to support your child’s emotional development? Follow us at @thehealthychildco for evidence-based parenting tips!
References
Burke, C. A. (2010). Mindfulness-based approaches with children and adolescents: A preliminary review of current research. Journal of Child and Family Studies.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
Gottman, J. M. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Simon & Schuster.
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry.
Masten, A. S. (2014). Global perspectives on resilience in children and youth. Child Development.
Meichenbaum, D. (1977). Cognitive-behavior modification: An integrative approach. Springer.
Perry, B. D. (2009). Examining child maltreatment through a neurodevelopmental lens: Clinical applications of the neurosequential model of therapeutics. Journal of Loss and Trauma.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.
Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (2001). Journeys from Childhood to Midlife: Risk, Resilience, and Recovery. Cornell University Press.